Suicide is Painless
by sugahcat
Summary: Severus Snape watches over Remus Lupin as he lies a hairs breadth from death, knowing it's all his fault. slash
1. Part 1

One day I'll get a title that isn't a song title *grins*

Anyway. This entire story was written inone afternoon. I'd been playing around with the idea in my head for quite a whil, ever since I read Lady Feylene's _Some Day Out of the Blue_, in which Remus contemplate's killing himself. And I wondered what Severus' reaction would be if he did it. 

This is my veiw. It's written in the first person, which is bizarre for me, and in the present tense, which is even more so - I don't think I've done it before. tell me what you think of the story, the writing style, anything. Constructive criticism is welcome. 

WARNING:This story is slash - that means two men in a sexual relationship. It also contains rape, suicide and violence. If that's not what you want to read about, leave. Otherwise, read on.

Disclaimer:It's all JK's and the WB's. 

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Suicide is Painless  
Part One

He kissed me. In the twilight of the forest, he kissed me. I'm not even sure why I decided to go out there that night. It had long been a habit of mine to leave the common room, get away from Lucius and his hands, his threats, and go out into the forest where death - and freedom - were almost a promise.

I had been startled that night to find someone there. Remus Lupin, the politest fucking Gryffindor in what must be milennia, who had somehow managed to gang up with the cruelest boys outside of Slytherin. And he was here, in the woods, in my most secret place, where I wanted to die. He looked just as startled to see me, don't get me wrong. I started to look around, anger building as I thought that his bastard friends might be there.

"I'm alone, Severus." That voice, so soft, so calm. I looked at him for what seemed to be eternity. His large eyes looked golden in the moonlight, and it cast his hair to shades of silver. I realised something I never had before. He was attractive - I was attracted to him. I'd never had more than a passing interest in anyone before. I let Lucius do whatever he wanted to me, of course - I didn't want to die at his hands. My own, perhaps, but Malfoy had stolen more than enough from me - he wouldn't have my life, too. 

"Why are you here?"

"Why are _you_ here?" He retorted, and a felt a humourless smile curve my lips. If he wanted to know, I would be more than happy to tell him. 

"Because I wanted to get away from Lucius and his desire to fuck me everytime I get near enough to him that he can grab me."

Remus blinked slowly, eyes widening. "You - you let him-"

"No, I don't. He wouldn't want me if I wanted him." A smile curved my lips again and I laughed. It didn't sound quite sane, and well it mightn't. I think I'd given up sanity by then, driven mad by Lucius raping me nightly. 

Remus stared at me some more. "God," he whispered, not sure what else to say, it seemed. I sat, back against a tree and looked up at the sky through a thick layer of foliage. I had shocked him. Good. Maybe the idiot would go away now. 

That was when he shocked me. He sat down beside me and lay a hand on my arm. Staring at the arm, my eyes rose to his face, eyebrows raised quizzicly.

"I had no idea," he whispered. 

"Of course you bloody didn't. Lucius doesn't want to go to Azkaban."

He looked at me, frowning. "He really-"

"No, I just thought it would be _so_ funny to say it. Yes, he 'really'."

"Why don't you tell someone?"

I laughed at that, for quite a while. I had got the impression in classes that Remus Lupin was an intelliegent boy. Apparently not. "If I went to Dumbledore, even if Lucius got sent away, the rest of my house would turn on me." I gazed at him. "They're very much under Lucius' spell. They _like_ him." I shook my head softly, smile breaking as I turned to look at the Gryffindor beside me. His eyes were wide.

"I don't want your pity, Lupin," I told him quietly, and his hand slid down my arm to hold my hand. I stared at that, startled by the gesture. Too startled to react when he touched a long finger to my chin and made me face him. He was stronger than he looked. Holding my gaze with those beautiful, big eyes of his, I didn't back off when he kissed me. It was nice. I'd never been kissed. Fucked until I cried, yes, but never kissed. It was nice. It was almost loving. I pulled back, shaking. "No."

"No?" Lupin stroked my face, eyes filled with compassion. "I've wanted to do that for four years now, Severus."

"Then why didn't you do it before?" I moaned, images rushing through my head of a life - a happy life - in which I had a lover who cared for me rather than a rapist who laughed in delight at my sobs. 

He shook his head, eyes sad, and kissed me again. 

It was one of the best nights of my life. The others were all with Lupin, too.

It took me a while to let him do any more than that. It was almost the Christmas holidays by the time I let him make love to me. I wish desperately I'd let him do it sooner, and many more times. It was wonderful. I never knew sex could be like that - loving, sweet, soft, and _good_ - oh, so good. I thought he loved me. I loved him, make no mistake. I fell for him the instant his lips touched mine, became addicted to his kisses, his touch, the scent and the sight of him.

But the night after than, my life fell apart again. 

He tried to kill me. 

He never told me about his lycanthropy. I found out when his teeth were at my throat, and I cursed James Potter when he pulled me back. If Remus - if the werewolf couldn't love me, he could at least have the decency to kill me and end the hell that was my life. 

But he didn't. And I lie alone here in my bed, bleeding and bruised after another beating by my father - I forget what it was for - and replay the few delicious months with Remus in my head. Only in these thoughts, he's not a werewolf. He didn't make me love him, lying to me and laughing at me behind my back with his friends. He's my lover, my one and only. He didn't try to kill me. He's not a monster. I surprise myself when tears roll down my cheeks. 

"I thought he loved me," I sob and bury my face in the pillow, my heart broken, for good this time. 


	2. Part 2

Please review! Thanks to those who have already.

WARNING:Slash, violence, angst... It's all in here. 

Disclaimer:All is JK's and the WB's. 

* * *

Suicide is painless  
Part 2

The light hurt my eyes. Bright sunlight streaming in through the flapping curtains. I curse at it and drag myself out of bed to shut the window I don't remember opening - but that's not a big surprise. I don't remember doing much lately. The hoot of an owl startles me, and I curse it, too. I don't recognise it, it's a tawny I've never seen before. Taking the letter from its claws, it looks at me expectantly. 

"Fuck off," I tell it. It savages my hand haughtily before flying off, and I look disinterestedly at my blood dripping onto the floorboards. I open the letter and stare at it for a few moments. 

"Remus tried to kill himself. He's in St. Augustine's in London. Well done, you son of a bitch. I hope you're happy now."

It was signed by James Potter. I blink at it, rereading it over and over. He didn't do it because of me. He was probably releived when I told him I never wanted to see him again - it meant he wouldn't have to keep up the charade. I did _not_ cause that (lovely, wonderful, gentle) _beast_ to try and kill himself. 

My body seemed to move of it's own accord - my mind was too numb to form the plan my body seemed to have. Dressing, grabbing some money - both Muggle and wizard - and pulling long, lank and unwashed hair into a ponytail. I stumble out of the house, my father thankfully at one of the Dark Lord's meetings, my mother too zoned out on valium to care, and I run towards the main road where a Muggle bus stop lies, my mind coming back to me slowly as I do so. 

I decide to go to the hospital. If it's a prank, they can fix my face for me. Thinking of the cuts and bruises makes them sting, but I ignore them. I've got good at that. 

The man on the bus stares at me as I get on the bus and pay him the money. There's only one old man on the bus, and he smiles toothlessly as I pass. I push myself into the corner at the back o the bus and reread the letter a few more times. 

It takes about half an hour to get to the train station, and from there another hour to get to London. I have no idea where St. Augustine's is. I end up wandering across London to ask at the Leaky Cauldron. The barman hands me a map, telling me its a ten minute walk. I run and am there in less than five. Standing outside the hospital - a wizard hospital, with various charms on it to stop Muggle's noticing it - I catch my breath before going in and asking at the desk, voice curious emotionless. 

"Could you tell me where I could find Remus Lupin?"

The nurse's eyes widen. "Odin! What happened to you?" She starts to get up and come around the desk and I back away from her, and glance down at the book on the desk. I see his name and my heart freezes. He's here. He did it, he really did it. 

"It's not my fault," I whisper before turning the instant before the nurse gets to me and run to the ward where Remus is. Sliding to a stop, I stare. Sirius Black and James Potter are sat, talking quietly. And Remus. He's deathly pale, an IV attached to his arm, chest barely moving. "It's not my fault," I repeat, and feel tears trace down my cheeks as I stagger towards him. He didn't love me. He was using me. How _can_ it be my fault?

I barely notice as Black and Potter turn around, or as Black runs towards me, screaming at me and punching me repeatedly, hardly feeling the blows, hardly feeling anything. It all goes black and I thank the gods. 

* * *

Bright bloody light again. Lifting a kitten-weak arm to shield my eyes, I look blankly at the needle in it that's attached to some machine. What happened? Why... Oh. 

"Remus." Sitting up, the room spins and I feel like throwing up. A nearby nurse forces me to lie down and check me over. 

"You nearly died," she scolds me, and I look up at her. Does she really think I care any more? "That boy - Sirius Black - hit you hard enough. He broke some of your ribs and your arm. But he didn't break your cheekbone or give you that nasty concussion. He didn't cause the internal bleeding. Would you care to tell me who did?" She does something to the machine and the plastic tube attached to the needle in my hand fills with a blue-black potion.

"My father, of course," I mutter at her as the Potion starts to take effect. "He does it all the time. But I'm his property, aren't I? He can do what he likes." I smile as the darkness takes me again, noticing the nurses horrified look. 

* * *

Waking again, it's dark. Feeling much better until I remember why I came here in the first place, I sit up with only a tiny amount of dizziness and rip the needle out of my hand. Standing and fighting off a wave of nausea, I see I'm in the same section as Remus. The moonlight filters in through the blinds and lights his face. I stare and make my way slowly over to him, feeling myself shaking. I tell myself it's because the floor's so cold under my feet. I can't think of any such excuse for the tears rolling down my cheeks. 

Sitting down in the chair beside his bed I turn his wrist over. A long, thick, ugly scar cuts itself through his soft skin. Wrapping my hand around his, it's barely warm. I feel sick again. He didn't do this because of me. He didn't like me - didn't love me. He _didn't_. He wouldn't have lied to me if he did. I start to cry silently, heart twisting. Whether or not he loved me, I loved him deeply. I love him so much. The crying takes what little energy I have and I fall asleep, head resting on the bed beside him. 

* * *

I'm shaken awake this time. It's the nurse, and she keeps glancing behind me, looking nervous. 

"You shouldn't be out of bed," she tells me, and I turn, looking behind me to see what she's so worried about. after a few tries, I manage to focus and see Potter holding Black back. They both look at me with utter hatred in their eyes. I look blankly back at them and turn to Remus. I'm still holding his hand. The nurse is still trying to get me to go back to bed. 

"What's wrong with him?" I whisper, voice hoarse. The doctors and nurses here should have healed him instantly. If he needed any blood, there's plenty around - I hear they even have a scheme with Muggle hospitals if they need any more. 

"We don't have the right sort of blood for him," she says, looking sadly at him, and I understand. A werewolf needs blood from a werewolf. Type AB, rheussus negative, lycanthropy positive. I give a humourless laugh that dissolves into tears. I let the nurse usher me towards my bed, and see that Black and Potter look surprised to see me cry for their friend. I wonder why. 

The nurse puts the needle back into my arm and gives me the potion again and I black out. 

* * *

When I wake up, I see James Potter looking at me, arms folded and looking pensive. 

I look back at him, feeling like shit. 

"Did you care for him?" He asks. I'm not in the mood to talk about it. 

"Why did you send me the letter?" I ask. 

Potter shrugs. "We worked together in Potions, remember? You, me and Remus. He was always so happy when you were around. You seemed... indifferent, I guess. But he started disapearing every night, and his eyes would light up when he saw you in the corridors." Potter shrugs again. "It didn't take a genius to see he was in love with you. And then you found out he was a werewolf..." His voice trails off. "What exactly did you tell him?"

I close my eyes, wanting to cry again. "I told him I never wanted to see him again. I called him a monster." Opening my eyes, I try one last time to convince myself. "He used me."

Potter stares at me. "He loved you, you idiot. How did he use you?"

I start crying. He didn't use me. He loved me. And he can't help being a werewolf any more than I can help being a cruel, pathetic piece of shit with zero control over my emotions. He tried to kill himself because of me. Wiping at my eyes angrily, I'm startled to see James is still there when I open them. 

"We thought you were using him," he tells me and I laugh brokenly. 

"I love him," I say, barely audibly, and close my eyes, barely believing I've just said that to James Potter. 

"I'll tell Sirius that. He might stop trying to kill you." 

"Let him," I say and roll onto my side, gazing over at Remus, Sirius at his side. After a few moments, I see Potter walking over to him and saying something. Black glares over at me and I look blankly back. He then looks at his watch and shakes his head, standing. He glares at me one last time before leaving with Potter. 

I lay there for a while, just looking at Remus, until the nurse comes over to check on me. She sighs. 

"We can use all the magic and potions in the world on you, but you won't get better until you want to." 

"I want to die," I tell her, and she looks at me uncomfortably. 

"You'll end up in St. Mungo's talking like that," she says and I shrug. 

"Can I sit next to Remus?" I ask, voice plaintive without me having to try. I really am pathetic. For a moment, she looks as if she might refuse, then she nods and helps me up. Sitting down, I look at him closely. The nurse mutters something about getting me a drink and I nod and say something. Reaching over, I brush a lock of hair from his eyes, then close mine, remembering. 

It had been the night before Hallow'een, and he handed me a small box, wrapped in silver paper. I had glanced up at him, surprised. 

"What is it?" 

"Open it," he said. He'd been grinning like an overexcited boy, and I'd smiled at him. He really was adorable. I'd opened it, revealing a small wooden box with stars of gold inlaid into it. It was beautiful. Remus had reached over and opened it, showing me the real gift. My mouth had gone dry and I could do nothing but stare at it. It was a ring - a band of white gold, by the looks of it, inlaid with a small piece of obsidian. I'd looked up at him, shocked, and he'd smiled at me. 

"I saw it in the jewellers in Hogsmeade and thought of you. And you can wear it and think of me." He'd taken it out of the box and slipped it onto the ring finger of my right hand. It fitted perfectly. 

"I can't accept this," I had whispered, staring down at it on my finger. It was beautiful, and must have cost a small fortune. Money I knew very well Remus didn't have. 

"You'll insult me if you don't," he'd told me, kissing me softly on the lips, down to my shoulders, opening my shirt and biting my nipples softly... 

I open my eyes, refusing to let myself think of that. Instead, my eyes fall to my right hand, where the ring sits still. I hadn't been able to bring myself to take it off. Glancing around, seeing the nurse wasn't around, I manage to get over to my bed, find my wallet and take it back over to Remus' bed with me. Opening it, unzipping a part I never use, I remove the gift I had bought him in return. A band of gold studded with a smokey quartz that was the exact colour of his eyes. I'd had it made especially, as a Christmas present for him after finding the gem in a shop in Hogsmeade. Slipping the ring onto his finger, I bite my lip. 

"I'm sorry," I whisper, and wonder if I have ever said those two words before. "I'm so sorry." Stroking the scars on his wrist I feel fresh tears track down my cheeks. The nurse returns and hands me a cup of tea. I thank her and sip at it, placing it on the bedside table and gazing at Remus some more. He's so beautiful. Face perfectly sculpted, and the most wonderful, kissable lips in the world. I glance above his bed and see a calender. Frowning, I notice that it's only a few days until the next full moon. 

"The transformation will kill him." I didn't realise the nirse was still at my side. "Unless he wakes up by then, or unless we can find a werewolf to donate - he'll die." 

"He can't die." The nurse sighs and walks off, and a strange feeling grows in my stomach. It's despair, I realise. I can't live without him. I don't want to, at least. But there's nothing I can do. I look up at him again, for a long time as I hold his hand. I lean forward. "If you die, I'll kill myself," I tell him, quite calmly. "It'll be my fault - though why on earth you thought I was worth dying for, I have no idea." I sigh, and stroke his cheek. 

"Oh!" The startled sound makes me look up, and I see a woman with Remus' eyes. There is sadness in those eyes, and wrinkles around them. This must be his mother, I realise, and guilt assaults me. "Are you one of his friends? I don't think I remember him telling me about anyone like you..." Her voice trails off as she takes in the scene. I'm holding her son's hand, stroking his cheek, leaning close to him. I'm not just a friend. She look at me questioningly, and I look down. I can't face this woman who looks so much like the man I love, can't tell her that the reason her son tried to kill himself is because of me. She must guess it, I realise, and look up again. There is confusion in her eyes, and I start to speak, despite myself. Remus always had that ability, too. 

"I love him," I say by way of explantion. "I thought... I thought he was using me. He never told me he - he was a werewolf. And he tried to kill me. When he was a wolf. I didn't know - I mean, I _did_, I know he loves me, but... I thought he was using me." I finish lamely, and the woman looks at me. I can see her putting the evidence together, realising this was all my fault. I brace myself for another attack, but it never comes. Mrs. Lupin reaches over and pats my hand. She doesn't say anything - what on earth could she say? But it lets me know she doesn't blame me. It's quite alright, however. I have more than enough blame for myself. 

"He's such a clever boy," she says. "He got the best grades in the school for the mock exams of Transfiguration and Defence Against the Dark Arts. Well, I think he tied with someone for the Dark Arts exam. But he did so well." 

I know very well how he did. And it was me he tied with in the exam. I got the best Potions mark. But I keep quiet, and she speaks some more. 

"I wish his father would come and visit him," she sighs. "But since he got bitten... Well, Reemie and his dad have never had the best relationship. I just want him to see him soon, just in case." Her eyes close and my heart twists. Just in case he dies. He _can't_. he can't. 

A commotion outside makes me look up just in time to see my own father walk into the ward. He's furious. How on earth he found out that I'm here, I have no idea, but I stand and walk over to him quickly. There's no way I'll let him even _see_ Remus. 

"You little bastard!" He screams at me, hitting me in the stomach. It hurts. Lots. My vision goes grey, and I double up. Smashing a knee into my face, I hear something break and fall to the floor, vision almost black, now. A few kicks whilst I'm down, and he pulls me up quickly, to wrap his hands around my throat, holding me up that way. I'm not quite sure what happens next. Someone points their wand at him, but he ignores them. I can't breathe and everything hurts. The blackness takes me. 


	3. Part 3

Disclaimer:It's all JK's and the WB's. Not mine. 

* * *

Suicide is Painless  
Part 3

I try to open my eyes. It doesn't work. A moan escapes my lips without permission and I manage to open an eye a crack. The nurse looks over at me, relieved, and takes out her wand. 

"Thank goodness," she tells me. "We didn't want to heal anything before you regained conciouness." She trails her wand down my body, and the pain numbs a little. I can open my eyes properly, and find that it's daytime. 

I try to speak, but my throat hurts too much. 

"He nearly crushed your windpipe," she says. "You'll probably get your voice back." I stare at her and point over at Remus. She nods in understanding.

"We finally found a werewolf of the right blood type willing to give blood. Remus has a very rare blood type," she told him. "We've given him the blood, but its full moon tonight. We'll have to see how it goes." 

I try to sit up despite the agony that nearly knocks me out, but the nurse doesn't even need to push me back down this time. I don't have the strength. I look up at her. "Please", I mouth, and she sighs and disapears. She returns with a wheelchair, and I don't think I've ever been as grateful to anyone in my life.

She wheels me over to him, and I notice with relief he's looking a little better - he has more colour, and as I lift my hand to his, I can feel his warmth. I smile as much as my sliced-open lip will allow and kiss his hand. And stare as he opens his eyes, blinking against the light. Adrenaline rushes through me a gives me the strength to hug him tightly, kissing him, wincing at the pain it causes. The nurse pulls me off him and into the wheelchair. 

"Stay there!" She tells me firmly as she checks Remus over. He looks around him, seemingly confused, then looks down at his wrists, blinking. And then he looks over at me. 

"What happened?" He rasps, voice hoarse from disuse. I open my mouth and the nurse glares at me. 

"Don't even try to speak. Do you want to get your voice back?" I glare at her but does as she asks. 

"What do you remember?" She asks, putting a cushion behind his back so he can sit up a little. He looks down at his wrists. 

"I slit my wrists," he says, looking over at me again, not with the blame or hatred I had started to fear, but with worry. "What happened to Severus?" I blink at the question. Do I really look that bad? I feel great - now that Remus is awake, I've never felt better.

The nurse gives me an annoyed glance. "He'll be fine - if he uses a bit of willpower." I glare at her again. "But as for you - how do you feel?"

"Tired..." He yawns. "A bit weak. But okay." He glances over at me again. 

The nurse nods, and checks him over thoroughly, finishing looking hopeful. "It's the full moon tonight, Remus," she tells him and he flinches, frightened eyes once again turning to me. "You need all the strength you can get, so we're going to give you a strong potion if you think you can stomach it?" Her voice raises, indicating a question, and he nods. I touch her arm and indicate writing. If I can't talk, I have something I need to say to Remus and it can't wait. She nods, and returns with some parchment and a Muggle pen. I take it from her and lean on the bedside table. Turning, eyebrow raised, I see she's still there. My left arm still feels like hell, so with some difficulty, I write with my right hand - "Potion" and show it to her. She shakes her head at me then disapears off. I look at Remus, who looks at me warily. 

"What are you doing here?" He asks, but his voice is so hoarse I can't tell his emotion through it. I bite my lip and look down at the parchment. I want to say so many things - but it's so hard. Harder to write them down than to say them, even. 

"James sent me an owl," I write, not brave enough to write anything more for the moment. I show it to Remus who looks at me again. 

"But why did you come?" I look at him for a long time, and realise its not hard to say at all. 

"Because I love you." 

Tears come to his eyes and I stroke his cheek. His hand comes up to meet mine and pulls it towards his mouth, kissing it. I take it back and he looks startled. I pick up the pen again. "I'm sorry. After what happened, I thought you were using me. I didn't know Black was using you too. I never meant to hurt you." Glancing up, I saw Remus was reading what I wrote as I did so, and continued. "I love you and I think I have since you first kissed me. I suppose I'm desperate for love." I smile as I write that. How un-me. "And you being so gentle, kind, so... you. How could I not love you? But you should have told me. And I'm so sorry that I hurt you so much you felt you had to do this. But I'm not worth it. You're worth so much more than me." I glance up at him again and smile as I write the last few words, ignoring the ache in my arm. "You're an idiot, Remus, but I love you." 

"That's my Sev," Remus rasps as he reads the last words and leans forward and huggs me. I cock my head and raise an eyebrow at him. He sighs. "Werewolves heal fast." He pauses. "I would have told you, you know. It took me a while to tell my dorm mates. I was so scared you'd leave me." 

"I left you because I thought I meant nothing to you." 

"Oh, Sev," Remus' voice was growing stronger now. "You mean everything to me." 

I cry again. I don't seem to do much else lately, but for the first time, these are tears of joy. His arms go around me, strong, protective, and I feel his own tears on my cheek. After a while he pulls back, stroking my cheek gently. I can't help but wince at even that gentle touch. 

"What happened to you?" He asks, voice back to normal now. 

"My father." I write and shrug. Remus stares at me. 

"Your father did this to you? You look awful." I smile crookedly. "I mean it," he tells me. 

"He nearly killed him," the nurse says, having reappeared, smouldering goblet in her hand. Mrs. Lupin is behind her and she cries out with joy and embraces her son. The nurse comes and puts the goblet down, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Social services are coming around here over the next few days. They need to talk to you. We need to get you away from your father. We've got security outside, and we're getting a restraining orer on him. We need to find you somewhere to live, though." 

"Why doesn't he live with us?" I stare over at Mrs. Lupin, not quite believing what I just heard. She glances at her son, frowning slightly. "I'm not sure what social services would say about putting you in the same house as a werewolf, though." She looked bitter. 

I grab the pen again and turn the parchment over. 

"I'm sixteen. I can do what I damn well please." 

Mrs. Lupin raises her eyebrows at me, but smiles, her hand on her son's. "I suppose you can. If you come with us, your father will never touch you again." Her eyes cloud over and I frowned. 

"It was Clare here that Stupyfied your father," the nurse told him. "He wasn't going to let go of you but the staff were too afraid to do it. Your father is a powerful man." 

I shrug at the nurse and nod gratefully at Mrs. Lupin. The nurse kicks the brakes off my wheelchair and I glare up at her. 

"You need sleep," she tells me and I shake my head, cursing at my body for choosing just that moment to yawn. She smiles at me, and Remus reaches over to me and kisses my lips gently. It doesn't even hurt. 

"Go," he tells me. "I'll be fine." 

Picking up the pen one last time, in very small letters, I write: 

"If you die, I'm following you." 

Remus stares at me for a few moments, and the nurse wheels me back to my bed, puts the IV back into my arm, and this time it is a green potion that floods into my veins. I fall asleep just as quickly. 

* * *

I awake to the feeling of someone holding my hands. My eyes open instantly and widen as I see Remus, sat in jeans and a v-neck sweater - revealing a deliciously sexy neck - holding my hand and smiling at me. 

"You're okay!" My voice is little more than a whisper, and it hurts to talk, but I'm relieved that I can speak at all. 

"I'm fine," he assures me and helps me as I try to sit up, wincing as I do so. It's not the raw pain of the last time I was concious, but more of an ache. I lift the pyjama top the hospital gave me and wince at the pattern of black, blue, green and yellow. It looks like an Impressionist painting. "You're looking much better," he tells me, and strokes my face, smiling, then leans forward and kisses me. I find that my lip is fully healed and kiss back hungrily, not realising how much I missed him until now. He pushes me back gently. "Chill out. There's no way you're healed anywhere near enough for that." He leans forward and whispers in my ear: "Though I can't wait until you are." 

I grin at him and he smiles back, grey eyes amused. He then becomes more serious. 

"The social services want to see you as soon as you wake up," he tells me. "They've got a restraining order against your father." He pauses. "I think you should tell them about Malfoy, too." 

Memories hit me like a steam train and I shake my head firmly. "No," I whisper, and Remus sighs and kisses my cheek. 

"Well, I'll not let him hurt you, anyway. You're mine." He looks at me seriously before continuing. "And you're free to come home with me if you want." 

"If I want?! I've never wanted anything more in my life," I tell him, and pull him in to kiss me. A polite cough makes Remus pull away and reveals a morose looking man in a well-tailored indigo robe and a middle-aged woman with hawk-like eyes. 

"Mr. Snape?" The man asks me and I nod. "I am Stefan Larach, and this is Thomasina Delany. We're from the Ministry." I nod, and they explain much what Remus has just told me. "We've also managed to procure for you a one-off payment from your family of five million galleons." Remus and I both stare at him. "That is on the condition that you keep your mouth shut about everything you know about your father." 

My eyes narrow. I do know a lot about my father that he wouldn't like to get into the press. I glance over at Remus, who is looking at me intently. But five million galleons is a lot of money. It could give Remus and I a good life. That would be far more gratifying that short-lived revenge. I nod and Stefan Larach hands me a contract. I raise my eyebrow at the bueracracy and wonder if this is quite how the Ministry's social services normally deal with things. But after reading through the contract carefully, I sign it and hand it back. Stefan Larach nods. 

"I beleive you will be staying with the Lupin's in Cumbria?" I nod. "Very well. We will inform headmaster Dumbledore." I nod and they leave, and I turn to Remus. 

"Can we go now?" I rasp at him and he shakes his head. 

"Not until you're better." He pauses. "Five million Galleons is a lot of money," he tells me and I nod. 

"My father has a lot of secrets," I tell him. "He's a Death Eater." Remus' eyes widen and I shrug. "There's more than one way to skin a rat," I add with a grin. "Do they let Slytherins become Aurors, do you think?" 

Remus stares at me some more. "An Auror? You want to become an Auror?" 

I shrug. "It's an option. But I'm going to nail him, no matter what." 

The nurses comes over and checks me, pushes me to make me lie down and switches the machine to feed me the orange potion again. Remus kisses my lips softly, and I smile, realising that the rest of my life is going to be wonderful. I watch the love of my life sit back in the chair, holding my hand and smile at me, and I close my eyes. I'm the happiest man in the world. 


	4. Epilogue

Disclaimer: All is JK's and the WB's. 

* * *

Suicide is Painless  
Epilogue

"You ready to go back to school tomorrow?" Remus asks as he looks at me. We're lying in bed together after wonderful sex and he'd stroking the hair from my eyes. 

I shrug in reply. "Not really," I tell him. "I enjoy being in bed with you far too much to want to go back to a bed alone. Or worse," I add morosely, wincing as I think of Lucius' hands crawling all over me. 

"Sleep in my bed at Hogwarts," he says and I stare at him. 

"Your friends would love that."

"Who gives a damn what they want?" He asks and leans close to me again, nibbling on my collar bone, moving to my neck, my ear... I sigh, wrapping my arms around him as he kisses me, slowly, seductively, before resting his forehead against mine. "I love the ring, by the way."

I blink at him and my gaze goes down to his hand, where a gold band sits. I'd forgotten about that. 

"Only, you know what?" He asks, lifting my hands to his chest. 

"No, what?"

He looks into my eyes and takes the ring from my right hand and puts it on my left. I raise my eyebrows at him. 

"A promise for the future," he tells me. "An unoffical engagement - which would be pointless since we can't get married anyway." He shrugs. "But I promise myself to you and you alone. If you'll have me." His own hands are resting on mine. I can see thin, silvery scars on his wrists that will never heal and feel a pang of guilt. And I look down at the ring on his right hand. Looking up into his eyes, my heart almost stops. Strange how I keep forgetting how beautiful he is. You would have thought a sight like that would be etched on my memory for always. But memory never lives up to the truth. He is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. I take the ring from his right hand and slide it onto the ring finger of his left.

"I couldn't do without you," I say, and look into his eyes. "And I'm yours, and only yours, always." It feels strange to say those words. They ring true, and a promise is an incredibly strong link. "I can't wait for the day I can marry you," I tell him, surprising myself. 

He pulls me into his arms, and I lay there, comfortable in his strong arms, feeling safe and content. This is where I belong, and this is where I'll stay. This is home. 


End file.
